Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
