After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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