I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
