naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
