i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
