In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize