life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
