True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you never un-have a 4some
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
