i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
