I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
