I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
