I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
