I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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