I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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