I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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