Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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