guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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