My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
