pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
