I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Rumble strips road head = magical
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
