he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
