Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
