okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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