hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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