life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Randomize
