Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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