So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
