I'm eating all of the evidence.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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