U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
