I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
