Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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