When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
