Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's no shave November. This is our time.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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