So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
