Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
