I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
