How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
