Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
