Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
