i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
