i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
