i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He passed out mid-signature
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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