Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
