i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
