happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
