I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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