im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize