I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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