I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My feet surprised me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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