I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How external is "for external use only"?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
