I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
