Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
