I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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