you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
