I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
